


Tonight, I Will Close my Eyes to It

by Soundone



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, Could be read as platonic if you really wanted, Drama, F/M, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 15:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6333784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soundone/pseuds/Soundone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How much longer could he ignore the trail of blood that the woman left everywhere she went? How much longer could Xander look the other way to keep someone precious to him safe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tonight, I Will Close my Eyes to It

As the eldest prince of Nohr and the first in line for the throne, Xander often felt untouchable, a paragon of Nohrian people, the worries of the common invalidated via his royal blood. Tonight, however, the usually proud paladin felt his pride wilt and image taint. He felt like scum even the most unprivileged of petty thieves wouldn’t envy as a mere servant glared and scowled at him like he was filth. It tore the prince, to be looked at like a traitor by his own people, to feel such hatred reflected in scornful eyes where he was used to admiration.

‘’He did nothing wrong, your majesty! The man was only delivering a pot of tea when that demon gutted him like a fish out of nowhere!’’ The servant before him spoke so passionately, voice stained with loss and grief as rough fingers trembled and pieced into empty palms. ‘’He had a family, sire! He was my friend!’’

‘’I-I am deeply sorry. Words cannot begin to express my remorse.’’ His words felt like ash, leaving a taste most foul on his tongue. There was no way he could rationalize this, nothing he could say nor offer to fill up the void the man filled. Still, the prince tried. ‘’Please, take this bag of gold and give it to his family, tell his widow that if any of their children wish to become a servant for another house, at even higher wages than their father, I will make it happen.’’

The next words physically harmed his tongue. If he saw anyone else resort to such base acts, he would have them imprisoned on the spot, but Xander allowed hypocrisy guide his voice and sunder his soul as he pulled out another hefty bag of gold.

‘’And... this is for you. Please, I beg you, keep what transpired between us.’’

The servant gawked as the bag of coin was dropped into numb hands. His expression was one Xander would never forget, one the prince had seen much too many times before. He looked at him like he was a beast, not a prince, but an animal. Royal chestnut eyes faltered, unable to stomach the silent accusations that stung at his very being.

‘’I-I... I-I understand... m-my prince...’’ There was something else in that voice tonight. Appalled, frightened, _disappointed_. Xander legs began to quiver like a newborn fawn. ‘’P-Please... p-please excuse me.’’

Not sparing a single look back at the disgraced prince, the servant slowly trudged out of his chambers, the whimpers of a broken man faint in the air as another Nohrian lost faith in their prince. Xander remained standing long after he heard the door slam shut, fingernail digging so deep into his palms that they draw blood. Finally, unable to bare the criminal echoes any longer, the prince marched over to his liquor cabinet and searched for the strongest drink he could find before collapsing onto a nearby chair. Xander tried to stifle his angst and attempted to let the strong, potent taste of the alcohol numb his worries and thoughts as a powerful burn swished around his mouth. It didn’t.

How many times had he gone through this, how many more haunting stares was he going to receive from his own people? Peri, the woman that comforted his soul was now tearing it apart. So many times, people had told his retainer to stop the mindless killing of her servants, and so many times it had fallen on deaf ears. He had even mustered the courage to confront Peri about it on occasion, and each time the woman had dodged the question with a pitiful expression and eventually an empty promise that she would ‘try’.

The prince audibly growled, pouring himself another glass up to the brim. Any sane prince would have such a scandalous retainer detained, imprisoned, exec-

His eyes burst wide at the the thought as he violently coughed up his drink, dry heaving streams of expensive wine from his mouth as he absently and ineffectively swiped a cloth across the mess. Images of two young soldiers with bright futures ahead of them slid through his mind, before being abruptly stained by blood. Desperate fingers streaked madly across his scalp, begging for the memories to stop.

‘’No... N-No. Not to Peri, not again...’’ With a shiver, the prince weakly retreated his crazed hands and clamped them together in a prayer. No, he wouldn’t see another one of his beloved retainers’ blood coat his conscious again. Peri would change, she would beat this illness. Xander had faith in his loyal retainer.

Tonight, he closed his eyes to it.

  

* * *

 

Xander’s stomach rumbled with the appetite of wyvern before the practical feast that sat before him. Carmel glazed turkey served with a snow white pile of mashed potatoes, Windmire onion soup that was graced with an aroma so intense that it caused him to salivate on command, a ruby red berry pudding, molten sugar lightly bubbling out of the cup as rivers of crimson ran down porcelain.

‘’Tada!’’ The innocent voice that happily echoed into his ear was every bit as sweet as his dessert, the chef ecstatic as she beamed proudly at her work. ‘’My special ‘You’re the Best Prince Ever’ meal for the best prince ever! I hope you super-duper enjoy it, Lord Xander!’’

The prince chuckled warmly at his retainer’s bright words. It was no easy feat to prepare such extravagant dinner on such short notice, but his beloved retainer had practically jumped at the task when she was told it was the anniversary of his becoming the first prince. It was a very forgettable date Xander had brought up on a whim when ideally chatting with Peri, as well as one the prince didn’t exactly want to remember, since it was also the anniversary of the day the original first prince, his dear friend and older brother, was killed. Nevertheless, Peri was adamant in treating her liege to a grand celebration.

‘You are much too kind, Peri... truly...’ he silently said as she took a bite out of the turkey. Food as delicious and thoughtful as this could never be made by someone with a bad heart.

‘’So, how is it?!’’ Somehow, he felt like Peri’s smile made it taste even better. 

‘’Mmm... It’s amazing, Peri. I’ve never had turkey this good in all my life.’’

‘’Yeaaaah! I knew you’d love it!’’ His retainer suddenly wrapped him in a fierce hug mid-bite, which the man graciously accepted with a smile. ‘’The perfect food for the perfect prince!’’

Chuckling, Xander allowed Peri to continue constricting his shoulders while using his free arm to taste the onion soup. The flavour was so vivid, onion, broth, and cheese massaging his tongue. It tasted savoury, warm,... nostalgic. His mood dampened a fraction. One of his retainers once made him this exact dish, a stoic, yet caring woman named Emilia. He recalled how the knight, shaking like a leaf, surprised him with the soup when he was bedridden with an illness. He gave a distant smile at the memory of her cheeks reddening like the sunset when he told her it was delicious. Sadly, it wasn’t long before less pleasant memories began to flash through his mind, the prince on the verge of scowling before Peri once again came to his rescue.

‘’Try the berry pudding now, Lord Xander! That one’s really good!’’

‘’A-Ah, yes. Of course, Peri.’’ He emptied his mind of any sour thoughts before putting back on his smile for his retainer. He picked up a spoon and dipped it into the sticky concoction, admiring the way creamy, crimson, pudding slowly melted off the utensil. 

‘’That one’s my favourite! It looks like the blood that splashes out of someone when you stab them! Wham, hiyah, SPLOOSH!’’

His appetite vanished in an instant, pupils shrinking into pins. Not now, not here, not in front of her. His mind spiralled with possibilities and accusations as the spoon stood unmoving in the air. He felt his breath refuse to release, silently gasping like a fish out of water in front of the now familiar looking liquid that ominously drip-dropped off the silver. Forcing all the willpower he had into his slightly trembling arms, he slowly managed to move the spoon in his mouth, audibly clamping over the blood red dessert. The pudding was sweet and fragrant, yet all Xander could taste was copper as he desperately tried not to hurl all over Peri’s hard work. 

When he finally managed to gulp down the liquid, the spoon flew out of his mouth with a gasp, an unstoppable tremor running along the prince’s spine.

‘’T-That was delicious, Peri. T-Truly.’’

Yet, the deafening silence that stretched on afterwords confirmed to him that his bluff had failed. Genuine terror echoing inside his bones, weary eyes eventually met with a single red one, fear and sorrow heavily laden around the edges.

‘’L-Lord Xander...’’ That weak voice broke his heart, brought him back to that dark battle all those years ago. ‘’I-I’m trying... I-I’m trying really hard to stop, for you, Lord Xander...’’

The sudden appearance of tears shot the prince right out of his seat, frantic arms cradling his retainer as if to shield her from the world. ‘’T-That isn’t it, Peri! Please, don’t cry.’’ Tender hands gently massaged his retainer’s shaking muscles as he held her close. Peri was a good girl, a loyal vassal. She would learn in time, she wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore, Xander was sure of it. He wouldn’t let anyone take her away from him, not like they took Emilia.

‘’It’s okay, Peri. All I want is for you to be strong and keep yourself safe. Everything else comes second, okay?’’ The voices at the back of his mind roared at him, slandered and spit upon his name. Yet, Xander ignored it, sent them back to the void they came from. Peri could change, he knew it.

‘’O-Okay, okay...y-You got it, Lord Xander!’’ That was the voice he loved, the voice he needed to be sane. The prince felt trusting hands squeeze him back as a breath as sweet as sugar danced across his nape. ‘’I-I’ll do my best, for you, Lord Xander... I love you...’’

He had heard those words often from the woman, usually in a childish, casual tone that the prince only smiled at. Yet, tonight he felt something different grasp his heart, something more intimate, more tender. It made him happy, helped him erase the foul fog of lies that sometimes clouded his vision of Peri.

‘’...I love you too, Peri...’’

Tonight, he closed his eyes to it.

 

* * *

 

‘’Peri is sorry, Peri is *hic* sorry, Lord Xander...’’ 

‘’It’s okay, Peri.’’ 

‘’*hic*, Peri is so sorry, Lord Xander...’’

‘’It’s okay, Peri.’’

His words felt so empty, as did he. Peri continued to repeat the apologies into his ear, and every time he would tell her it was okay, no matter how bitter and vile it now felt on his tongue. He paid no attention to the deafening ringing in his head, nor the warm, yet chilling blood that poured from Peri’s hands and onto his shirt. Eventually allowing some movement into his dead sockets, Xander turned his gaze over to the corner of his moonlit room. There, covered in more blood than he had ever seen on a soldier was a servant, in fact, the same servant he had given the gold to earlier, face distorted by pain even in death as countless dagger wounds riddled the man’s torso.

It was supposed to have been a simple evening for the two, Peri joining the prince for another one of their casual talks while they sipped on a cup of tea. However, that innocent fantasy was slaughtered when the servant came into the room to deliver their drinks. Peri had told him, when he had his back turned for just a second, she saw the servant cast a dirty glare at him. This was perfectly rational in Xander’s mind, given the circumstances of their last meeting, but to Peri, it was as if the man had suddenly aimed a crossbow at his head. Xander saw Peri leap forwards a moment too late, eyes widening as he saw the hysterical woman pick up a knife and violently attack the servant, scarlet hands still flying wild well past his death.

He didn’t know what to do anymore, didn’t know what to feel. He had told himself so many times that Peri could change, that she was better than the violence that had become her identity. Yet, after what he saw transpire tonight, what he saw his beloved Peri do, it was so hard to justify the blood that stained his shirt. He let out a estranged, choked sob, lost amidst all of Peri’s wails. He didn’t want to lose Peri like he had lost his previous retainers, he really didn’t, no matter how much blood was spilt, no matter how vile and monstrous her actions were. He wanted the woman to remain by his side forever.

‘But how can I be called a prince, a human, if I allow things like this to continue?...’

‘’P-Peri... P-Peri is so sorry... Peri knows the bad man was going to hurt Lord Xander... just like the one that hurt Peri’s mom...’'

Xander didn’t respond automatically this time, held comatose by his retainer’s miserable words. He had heard from Laslow once that Peri’s particular malice towards servants stemmed from an event in her childhood where the girl’s mother was killed right in front of her by one. It was a fact he merely accepted, not pondered until now, the desperate hold on his body feeling more tragic.

‘’Peri loves Lord Xander... s-so much that she knows people will try to take him away from Peri, like they did her mom!’’ The tone that repeated itself over and over inside his head broke his heart, made his once still body abruptly quiver with emotion. ‘’T-That’s why Peri has to hurt any bad people who gets close to him, just like she does on the battlefield! P-Please, please... don’t leave Peri... Peri will try, Peri will try for you, Lord Xander...’’

‘’P-Peri...’’ Agony and pity swirling like a maelstrom in his chest, the normally stoic Xander allowed weak, bitter tears to stream down his face. He couldn’t do it. Damn his nobility, damn his honour. He wouldn’t let anyone take his precious Peri from him, he would rather renounce his princehood, renounce his humanity, renounce his life. Xander silenced the ghosts and skeletons in his mind, discarded them like trash. Peri was good girl.

Anyone who could make food as good as hers couldn’t have had a bad heart.

Anyone who could brighten his mood just with their smile couldn’t have had a bad heart.

Anyone who could love a disgusting excuse for a man like him couldn’t have had a bad heart.

No longer held back by the voices, Xander passionately brought his beloved retainer close as he lovingly stroked her tense shoulders, planting a kiss on the still snivelling girl’s forehead.

‘’Shh, shh... it’s okay, Peri...’’ Xander breathed tenderly into her ear, the whimpers growing in both sound and frequency. ‘’I will never give up on you, never leave you, Peri. You are much too precious to me. So please, stop crying...’’

‘’Lord Xander, Lord Xander...’’ The desperate hold on his body was well past the point of pain, yet he couldn’t care less. All he needed was to feel her skin, her warmth, to feel the beating of her healthy heart. Everything else came second. ‘’Thank you... Thank you... Thank you...’’

The sniffles eventually died on his nape, Peri’s sweet touch offering the comfort they both needed as Xander took in the fragrant scent of her perfume. It was pleasant, calming, innocent as it blocked out the foul scent of fresh blood in the air.

‘’P-Peri... I love you, Lord Xander... I love you so, so much...’’

Xander held both the words and his retainer close, running his fingers affectionately through pink and blue curls as Peri eventually fell asleep against his shoulder. Ignorant fingers delicately grasped onto Peri’s hands, still stained with dry blood. But, if he just closed his eyes, Peri’s beautiful hands were no longer tainted by the ugly red, smooth like a child’s and porcelain white like fresh snow. In that moment, Xander felt right, Xander felt peaceful as he slowly joined his beloved in an innocent rest.

Tomorrow, he would dispose of the body, tomorrow, he would clean the blood off his carpets, tomorrow, he would make the proper offerings to the servant’s family. But, tonight...

‘Tonight, I will close my eyes to it...’

And they would never open again.

**Author's Note:**

> I always found it weird that Xander never brought up Peri's little problem. You'd think the eldest prince would have a bit more emotionally stable retainer, yeah?


End file.
